Harvard psychologist Robert Kegan proposes that the people around us play a critical role in development, and during adolescence this social support is more profoundly needed than at other times. Kegan explains the important role of the social support of family, friends and society as "holding on," "letting go," and "staying the same." In other words, as adolescents are making their way from childhood to adulthood, the people around them must find ways to protect the child from growing up too soon, provide opportunities for growth, and at the same time provide a consistent base from which the adolescent can launch herself. If these three functions are carried out, the adolescent will be able to negotiate the route to adulthood in a relatively clear manner.

    One of the ways we can facilitate the healthy development of a teenager is through social events that provide a culture for holding on, letting go, and staying the same. Such events are frequently referred to as rites of passage, and although less prevalent in our culture than others, can be seen as providing the three necessary ingredients for positive development. For example, the Christian ritual of confirmation provides an event that confirms the child as he or she is (the child is confirmed in his or her relationship to Christ and the Church), contradicts who the child has been (the child has new and larger responsibilities as a Christian), and provides continuity, in that the "culture" of the church remains largely the same. Other non-religious rites of passage provide these three elements as well. Imagine for example the ways in which getting a driver’s license, attending the senior prom, high school graduation, and leaving for college provide all three of the essential elements of holding on, letting go and staying the same.

    Although most children move through adolescence to adulthood with relative ease, one can encounter problems should any one of these three elements be missing. If we hold on too tightly, providing lots of confirmation but no contradiction, the child may never venture into the real world of adult responsibility. If we push the child away too soon, providing contradiction but little confirmation, the child may become frozen and bewildered in a confusing and unfamiliar world. And even if the proper balance of contradiction and confirmation is found, and the culture falls away (e.g. through parental divorce or a change of schools), the child may again have difficulty negotiating the pathway to adulthood. It is easy to see that the road through adolescence to adulthood can be tricky, but success can be found if we are able to find in natural social situations the proper balance of holding on, letting go, and staying the same.